There has been some growing concern following the increasing frequency of urban bear attacks in Fort Collins.
After nine people were seriously mauled during a unfortunately tragic scavenger hunt in Old Town, Fischer and I decided to educate the simple folks in Fort Collins on the do s and don't s in dealing with urban bears.
Rule number one:
Never approach an urban bear in a coffee shop. We realize that this might be hard because of the bear's easily approachable appearance, but acting on said desires could lead to a missing face.
Rule number two:
Never roam in the alleyway behind Sports Exchange, for this is an urban bear's main hunting grounds. Drunk Bros are a favorite treat for urban bears.
If possible, tell the bros that look like they have full bladders about this alley. They will surely intend to pee on these choice dumpsters, but will only come across an urban bear or two. This will keep the bears happy and full. And our streets clean.
Rule number three:
Urban bears are much smarter than wild bears. This has been proven in their abilities to use left-over entrails as creative decorations around their dumpster hiding places.
Rule number four:
If you see a tastefully decorated dumpster, turn the other way.
Rule number five:
If one comes across an urban bear by mistake, give it a cigarette. He will thank you and maybe even offer to give you a quarter in exchange.
Rule number six:
If you hail a taxi cab and realize that the cab is occupied by an urban bear, never refuse the bear's offer to join him. Instead, ride around with the bear and go where ever he wants to go. This could end up being an interestingly entertaining night, with many pit-stops in gay dance clubs and sing-alongs to Lady Gaga.
These six essential rules could save your life and your precious face.
Follow them closely.
